A tale of two trains

Good afternoon. Welcome back. This week I am going to get all political as I compare two train journeys so you have been warned.

Picture the scene that man and Uncle Tache are gathering together their belongings in the Eyrie before setting off for a weekend away with Big Nana in the north. At almost the same time that stupid plonker Mr Jeremy is preparing to go for a meeting in Newcastle travelling by train. Our heroes get to Euston and an uniformed railway official guides them to their seats on the train and offers them a little aperitif before departure. Meanwhile at King’s Cross Mr Jeremy is fighting his way through carriages full of empty seats but can’t find “two together” so that he can talk to his wife. After going through the whole train he sits in a vestibule and makes a video saying how awful it is that the train is full (even though it is half empty!). Eventually at Euston the train pulls out and the good life well and truly starts. At King’s Cross that nice Mr Branson nearly falls off his bike to try and show that nice Mr Jeremy is lying about the state of the trains. In both cases a public statement needed to be issued but only in one case did it deal with the problem of yobbish behaviour in First Class carriages on Virgin trains. Now I am hoping that you can work out which set of travellers this applied to.

Talk about living the high life. Our dynamic duo had a full set of First Class carriages to themselves and boy did they make the most of it. The first drink was in their hand even before the train had cleared the platform at Euston. They were “merry” by Watford (that conjunction of the concepts of merry and Watford is something you don’t see very often I can tell you!), pissed by Milton Keynes and legless by Crewe. That Celia Johnson would have been appalled to see such behaviour on the railways I can tell you. They had sobered up a little bit by Warrington and asked for another glass of red wine to remedy this situation. The steward just left them a nearly full bottle to finish off as he could see how the land lay. At the same time they were stuffing their faces with the evening meal offering. It was like the last days of Rome I can tell you. The train was about 30 minutes late and they just poured themselves off it and hailed a cab to take them home. What a trip and no video at the end of it.

We would like to offer our congratulations to our wonderful Olympians who did very well indeed at the recent games in Rio coming second in the medal table and winning more medals than in London. No country has done this before so well done to all of them. That man enjoyed the cycling and the horsies. We did discover though that little Bob the sheep doesn’t like horsies so that was all a bit awkward. We are not quite sure why Sheep and Horses don’t get on but they really don’t. His little bell was ringing all afternoon when the equestrian events were on. We are starting to think that he is a bit of a drama queen but that man is muttering something about taking one to know one and I am not sure what he is getting at. As a minimum I think it is fair to say that little Bob is very high maintenance indeed. Anyway well done one and all. As an aside Norway only won bronze medals but with only ten people in the country it is perhaps a bit tricky for them. Apparently they are waiting for winter Olympic glory in a couple of years time.

The weather has been very unpleasant recently and today it is very windy indeed. We are keeping Bob off the balcony for his own protection. We hope that you all enjoy your Bank Holiday.

Bob on a bucket

Good morning all. Your favourite Eagle is back once more.

Well summer seems to have arrived and with it the normal round of madness. That man is getting more irritable by the hour and is already talking of the nights drawing in and a cooler temperature. The little birds have gone off for their annual holiday but seem to be coming back now. Hellion the Bat is flitting around on a nightly basis and we quite often have a flap together. The big windows are constantly open and that means that I can come and go as I please. Indeed on a couple of occasions that man has said to me I thought I shut that window last night. I simply tell him that the heat is playing tricks with his memory and that he left it open. This has increased his paranoia about security but that is a small price to pay for me you know. I tell you there will be big trouble if he ever discovers this little forum but I don’t think his searching skills are up to finding us out. If nothing else I have changed the password on the computer so he will have to do an epic hack to actually get online any time soon. You can’t fox the Eagle you know.

Anyway on to the point of this post. As it is summer I thought I would share this little picture of Bob the Sheep climbing the heights.

Bob on a bucket

Bob on a bucket

I would also like to point out that this is my space and this week all the sympathy has been directed to little Bob. Spare a thought for the poor little Eagle who has to put up with his constant bell ringing! Some days I feel like Quasimodo I tell you.

A big Cliffie wing wave to Aunty Tracy who has joined our little band of misfits ready to take over the world one day soon.

I am off to enjoy the summer sunshine. I hope that you can do the same. I suppose it must even have stopped snowing in Norway by now so happy days ahead for one and all.

Bobageddon

Good afternoon all. Welcome back. Just back from a little trip to Philadelphia where I had a fine old time at a certain large political event. I have to say when you see that nice Michelle Obama give a speech you see what a complete waste of space that silly Mr Trump is. What a shame that she couldn’t run for the presidency as I would have voted for her.

Now for the last few weeks we have been running on the pure oxygen of world events turning and working themselves out. I’m afraid that this week we are back to our normal domestic niff naff and trivia but it is a dramatic story that we have to tell. Sit down and loosen your belt a little and listen as I tell you a tale of high drama and low deception.

As you know Bob the Sheep is one of our newer team members and he is only little. He enjoys exploring the balcony and in the spring we published some pictures of him doing just that. The other day Uncle Tache came to see us and Bob went over as normal to say hello and ring his little bell in greeting. It is a charming sight and Bob is very gracious to all our visitors in this way. All seemed peaceful and harmony reigned for at least 10 minutes whilst that man was in the kitchen. All too soon it was bed time and then the morning broke bright but a bit damp. Uncle Tache went out on the balcony and said that it was raining. That man asked him if he would take Bob out for his normal constitutional graze and general sniff of the air. For his own safety we have had to insist that Bob puts a little bell round his neck to alert us if he is in any kind of danger from birds of prey. We have a very friendly Peregrine Falcon who lives close by and he quite often pops in for a chat and he is partial to a nice leg of lamb. Anyway little Bob went off and we all relaxed as he was under the direct supervision of Uncle Tache who carefully placed him on some Ivy so that he could have a graze. It was nice to think of him properly supervised for once. Suddenly we heard the furious ringing of a little bell and we saw a blur of white and red as Bob started rolling down the Ivy towards the edge of the balcony. That man cried out to Uncle Tache “look to your sheep” as he hadn’t noticed that Bob had lost his footing. By this time Bob was hanging on the edge of the balcony with only his little hooves saving him from plummeting to oblivion and was in grave danger of toppling over. Uncle Tache simply picked him up and brushed him off and said no more. As I am sure you can imagine that man had a thing or two to say though and Bob is now suffering from flashbacks. We are not entirely sure if the flashbacks are a result of his adventure or the telling off that he got from that man who was quite eloquent about the whole hideous saga. As Bob said to me only the other day you simply don’t expect these traumatic events to happen to you. Needless to say his trips to the balcony have been severely curtailed and he is under constant supervision 24/7. Now we don’t want to point the ugly wing of recrimination at any individuals involved in this grubby little saga but we all know who we blame. For legal reasons we can’t say any more though as we are currently considering a personal injury claim for trauma and suffering of a knitted sheep. The claim is mainly based on the fact that he never shuts up about the events of that fateful day and we want to earn enough to place a gagging order on him. Time will tell if we achieve our goal. In the meantime Bob is in fine form and is ringing his little bell on the balcony once more.

As you can see I have delivered on my promise to give you domestic niff naff and trivia so as you can see I am more trustworthy than that Mr Trump and his close friend Mr Putin. Strange days indeed. I am off to Byron for a late lunch. They are my kind of company I can tell you!

Trumpton

Morning all.  Worry not your little friend Cliffie is back.  Thank you to Andrew for holding the fort.

First things first.  I would like to try and put some rumours to rest about my whereabouts during the course of this last week.  I was not in a minimum security care home for the outraged and bewildered.  Nor was I living up the high life at the Cut and Come Again Club as Andrew seemed to be implying.  The very idea.  You all know me for a sensible level headed type of chap who tries to avoid the limelight as much as possible (a bit like Nigel Farrage!).  I certainly wouldn’t go off on a bender and not tell you about it all.  I would invite you all to join me and share the fun.   As observant readers will know Uncle Tache likes to kick back and relax on various overseas adventures.  This means that he has a lot of frequent flyer miles that any observant Eagle can tap into when required.  I flew out to Ohio to go and join that nice Mr Trump at his little shindig this week.  I did have a nice time.  There were a lot of Eagles on posters and banners and his toupee will make a nice nest for one of my relatives if they are thinking of setting up home any time soon.  I thought I had a good go at writing that speech for Mrs Trump (apparently no longer the lovely Ivana).  It is not my fault that someone had already written it a few years ago.  That was just bad luck.  I was also able to advise nice Mr Cruz on how to not accept the nomination.  I think he did very well one way or another.  All in all it was a hoot and a half.

Whilst we are on a political note I must say it was also nice to see BoJo taken to task by the US press.  I did enjoy that particular press conference.

On a more domestic note it has been very hot and sticky in the Eyrie this week as summer has arrived.  That man has been very irritable and even I  have been feeling a bit listless all week.  Still hopefully things will freshen up soon and normal service will be resumed shortly.

It will soon be time for the silly season.  The only problem now is to know what counts and what doesn’t this year.

 

 

BoJo

Good morning.  Andrew the Gorilla here ready to step in as holiday cover for young Cliff.

As you have no doubt picked up by now Cliff can be a bit excitable and there has been a lot to get excited about going on at the moment.  Every time we turn on the radio or watch the telly something new seems to have happened.  We are getting quite tired of various news people overusing the word “historic” but they are running out of ways to react I suppose. Little loves as that man might say in one of his rare indulgent moments.   We thought that Cliff was doing all right and coping quite well.  He kept on fussing away in his corner but that is quite normal in this little part of the world.  One event though tipped him over the edge and he has gone off for a little “holiday” to recover his sense of proportion.  Luckily that man got him a cheap rate at a local facility for tired and emotional Eagles and we have had good reports of his recovery.  Indeed what we know and that man doesn’t is that he is having the time of his life.  He has paid medical professionals on hand to actually listen to him and take him seriously and a non stop supply of alcohol which is listed on the bill as “extras”.  Now you wouldn’t want to deny a young Eagle about town his “extras” would you?  In reality he has actually gone a monumental bender at the “Cut and Come Again Club” and that man thinks he is paying for intensive therapy.  My keen intellect tells me that there could be trouble ahead but we won’t trouble trouble until trouble troubles us now will we?  Excuse me I must just take a phone call.  Sorry about that.   Apparently Cliff takes quite a close interest in this blog and he was shouting something down the phone about singing like a Canary.  I really don’t know what he is talking about.   He was really quite rude about my abilities to keep a secret but I am a Gorilla of integrity and honesty so I can’t do anything else but tell the truth now can I?

Anyway I seem to have digressed a little bit.  I can hear a whole nation crying out what pushed Cliffie over the edge?  Well it wasn’t that Sturgeon woman wanting her cake and eating it or a Lynx escaping from a zoo and coming to visit us here.  No it was the appointment of Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary.   That man wasn’t around when it was announced and we all naturally assumed that it was a monumental joke put out to generally cheer up the country.  When it turned out to be true it did push Cliff over the edge.  As he said if they are appointing a blonde buffoon to the role then they should have chosen him.  He doesn’t like foreigners and is equally gaffe prone.  I mean to say they could have appointed the Duke of Edinburgh and he would have been a more diplomatic choice.  BoJo went to the French embassy and he was booed and no one is quite sure if it was the French or his own side booing him.  Classic.  Strange times indeed.

It is hot and humid here in London so perfect weather for we Gorillas.  I am off to enjoy it but I suspect that man is going to suffer for the next few days.  Until next time mon amis.

 

 

Brexit explained

Afternoon all. Welcome back.

Now first things first I have been inundated by requests (well at least one person asked me!) for reassurance that Bob the Sheep has survived the storm season. Worry not he and his little bell are well and living on the settee with the other members of my little crew. I know that will be a relief to all concerned so I am pleased that I could put minds to rest.

Now on to Brexit. I have to be very careful here as I don’t want to get my stalker too excited as he is recovering from surgery. We wouldn’t want anything to happen to set him back now would we? Now for those of you not too familiar with world events the EU is an organisation that we tried very hard to join in the 1960s. It is an amalgamation of all those foreigners that we Brits don’t trust led by the French and Germans. Its main aim in life is to make the blood pressure of certain little Englanders go through the roof and has made the lovely city of Brussels as popular as an overcooked Sprout on Christmas afternoon. It introduces regulations about the size and curvature of Bananas and other mad things and just incidentally has made Europe into the world’s largest trade free area that we Brits benefit from more than almost anyone else and a great deal of our prosperity depends on it. A little while ago those pop eyed little Englanders made such a fuss that we ended up having a referendum on whether we should remain part of this little organisation. This was a big mistake as the British aren’t used to public votes and the last big vote we had resulted in a very respectable Antarctic research vessel being called Boaty Mac Boat Face. In order to make sure that they won the little Englanders put up a puppet like figurehead in the form of Uncle Boris and told a lot of lies about a lot of subjects. As soon as the result was announced they then deleted all of these lies from their website to ensure that no one could say “but you said…” The Prime Minister resigned and all hell has been let loose for the past couple of weeks. To our immense satisfaction that little ******* ****** turncoat Boris Johnson was met by what can only be described as an angry mob on his front doorstep on the morning after the vote which was like something out of the French revolution. He was then stabbed in the front by that nice Mr Gove. This has had the effect of ruling both of them out of the leadership race and we are likely to have a lady Prime Minister at the end of all of this. It wouldn’t surprise me if that nice Mrs Thatcher didn’t try and make a comeback at some point. Meanwhile the labour leader has not done much better and we are now waiting for him to limp off back under the socialist stone that he first crawled out from at some point in the nearish future. All this has happened in the space of a few days and it is quite tricky to keep up. In the meantime the pesky foreigners are preparing for life without us. Needless to say that nice Mr Putin is loving all of this. Enuf said I think.

In other news Big Nana has become our football correspondent and she tells us that our little Welsh dragons are doing very well and that the Belgians didn’t deserve to win. She also tells us that the Germans weren’t playing too well either. We will draw a veil over England and the Icelandic team. What a bunch of losers.

Luckily some things remain the same. She also tells us that her birds had a lovely meal of cod and chips this morning.

I am exhausted just keeping up at the moment. I will try and keep you up to date over the next few days and I hope that you enjoyed my impartial guide to the whole situation. I am thinking of selling it to the BBC to put on their news website which is famous for its neutral coverage. Look out for me with my little microphone over the next few days.

Roast lamb anyone?

Afternoon all.    Now don’t all fall off your seats but I am back with you.  I know that it has been quite some time since we last spoke but things have been quite disrupted here in the Eyrie.  Still we are getting back to normal (the dust level is a good indicator from my point of view and I could write my name in it at the moment) so I am back to share with you once more.

Now what has been going on?  Quite a lot really I suppose.  One of the things that I like about sharing my thoughts is that you can remind yourself of things that have happened in the past just by dipping in at random.  You can relive the thrill of Bob the Sheep’s adventures on the balcony or my trips to the Cut and Come Again club.  We all like a trip down memory lane so I am happy to provide that service.

One of the main features of the last few weeks has been the weather.  It has been quite wet with lots of downpours which have been very heavy indeed.  We have had to intervene recently with one of our number.  You might recall that little Bob the Sheep likes to venture out on to the balcony from time to time to explore.  We were all a bit worried about him as he is only little and he could get lost or be taken away by one of the resident birds.  As a form of personal protection we bought him a little bell so that he could ring it if he felt he was lost or if he was taken by a bird.  Well it turns out that little sheep have a natural affinity to thunder.  They love really violent thunder storms and torrential rain and there have been quite a few of them recently.  One night this week there was a  particularly violent storm which started at about 1:30 in the morning.  Bob was up for going out and enjoying himself.  I had to put my foot down with a very firm wing though and stopped him for his own safety.  I told him that as he had a little metal bell round his neck he would be his very own lightning conductor and could end up quite badly hurt if he was hit by lightning.  We really didn’t want the Eyrie to fill up with the smell of roast lamb if we could help it.  He reluctantly agreed and all was well.  I tell you this is personal growth for me.  Not that long ago I would have let him go out just to see what would happen but I did the grown up thing and Bob was very pleased when he did some research and saw that we were right.

One of the reasons things have been disrupted is because that man has been on jury service.  Now as you can imagine we did have high hopes that if we ever got him into a court he would not be coming back anytime soon.  Sadly for us he was on the wrong side of things for that to happen and he was giving the court the benefit of his opinion and judgment alongside 11 other people.  He sat on 3 cases and did and did a good job by all accounts.  It is always good to see him do his civic duty.  We can still hope that next time he will be in the dock though.

Big Cliffie wingwaves to all my followers as you have been so patient waiting for me to come back.  In particular though a big wingwave to my Stalker who has got a challenging week ahead of him.  Good luck mate.

I am sure that I have forgotten something.  Now what could it be?  Oh yes just a small thing.  The UK has voted to leave the EU.  As always Big Nana gets the final word on this.  She said that she can’t see any difference between Donald Trump and Boris Johnson.  They are both equally silly.   Stinging personal criticism to end on.  As you can see I am back!