Category Archives: 2016

Happy New Year

Just a final posting for 2016 to wish you all a Happy New Year.

I would like to say thank you to everyone for following my random musings about life. I hope that you have enjoyed reading them as much as I have enjoyed writing them for you. I hope that you will carry on following me as we move into the unknown that is 2017. Of course, New Year’s Eve can be a sad time for some as they remember all those that they have lost during the course of the year. We on the other hand are planning on getting as pissed as a Newt as we have seen that man put a couple of bottles of something quite acceptable in the fridge. Cheers and Happy New Year to one and all!

Bob and his bell-a critical review

Afternoon all and welcome. It is living life in the fast lane here today. Champagne and Bacon have been consumed in equal measures and life is good.

It is though my unhappy duty to return to my role as drama critic. Bob the Sheep decided to put on a one sheep show called “Bob-one Sheep and his bell-a personal journey”. It lasted for four hours without an interval. He was keen to hear the comments of the audience-big mistake! Here are a selection of them.

Woefully under rehearsed

A stream of consciousness from a very polluted stream indeed

Nothing like the Morecambe and Wise Christmas special

Absolute drivel

What the **** was that?

Bell my a**e

Quasimodo will be spinning in his grave after this

Those are four hours of my life I will never be getting back (this comment came from Bob himself!)

Andrew Lloyd Webber would kill for a show of this quality and musicality

Sadly we feel that all the minutes of thought and rehearsal that went into the production were sadly wasted effort and he won’t be performing it in the west end any time soon. As a consolation prize though he opened his present this morning. It was a big brother for him called Barclay. He is quite a lot bigger than young Bob so we feel that he will be very good at keeping things in order.

That man and Uncle Tache are off for a walk soon so a bit of down time for us before the evening starts properly. Let me just uncork that red so that it can breathe. Ah that’s better. Nice and mellow as we like it!

And the winner is…

Morning all and welcome back.

It is a slightly subdued posting today as we had our annual Christmas bash a couple of nights ago. We had got Uncle Tache in to help out and get that man safely to bed so that we could get started. Well a good time was had by all and we even had a video link set up with the Buckingham Boys so that we could all celebrate together. We even got round to handing out a few awards.

The prestigious fan club of the year award went to …our American branch. They really did a stand up job of making their annual “Cliffie fest” a truly memorable occasion for one and all. I would also like to give a small “should try harder” award to my other overseas branches in Ireland and Norway. You too can reach the heights of a full award in 2017 by offering me unlimited hospitality and first class flights to come and visit you. I understand that they might be working on a twinning arrangement which might win them an award for innovation next year if they try really hard.

Wedding of the year went to …that man and Uncle Tache. It was a truly memorable experience for one and all. As nearly all of my fans were present I think that we are going to give everyone an award for their contribution.

The Birdman of Alcatraz award goes to … Big Nana for her efforts with her local bird population. We have a feeling that there will be some rich pickings soon as the Christmas season is upon us.

Our follower of the year goes to … Aunty Tracy as she always wants to know what is going on in my little world.

Finally, pushy blogging wannbe of the year goes to …Bob the Sheep. However much he protest and rings that bell he is not getting his own blog.

Now on to other things. We are all really excited as a large package has arrived for young Bob the Sheep. It cannot be opened until Christmas day itself so he is very excited. Our Christmas photo this year captures this lovely scene for you all. Luckily for us he decided not to wear his expensive leather trousers as we were taking the picture.

One very excited Sheep

One very excited Sheep

In other news that man and I had a nice time last night. He had got home early from “work” and so was at a it of a loose end. Well to fill the long hours he had a very stiff Gin and Tonic. Talk about a changed man. We both did some Dad dancing to the lovely Britney Spears and were singing along at the top of our voices to “Crazy”. We then settled down to a lovely candlelit evening with Victoria Wood. A little Christmas miracle.

Time to go for now. We hope that you all have a lovely Christmas. We are off to Buckingham soon and we know where the hidden supplies are hidden! Ah we are truly living in golden times I can tell you.

Subsidence my a**e

Good afternoon all. Welcome back to the magical world that constitutes advent here in the Eyrie. Regular readers will not be surprised to hear me say that austerity rules supreme here. He is a miserable old so and so I can tell you. Don’t be fooled into thinking that he is some undercover Father Christmas type figure. Not a bit of it. Think of a depressed elf and you are closer to the mark. However I try and bring a bit of jollity into his life and I have carefully nibbled round the edges of all of the mince pies to make sure that they are up to standard. So far so good. I have also tried to test the Champagne that I know he has in stock but I am still struggling with the foil at the moment. Worry not your intrepid reporter will find a way round this any day now. Enough Christmas niff naff and trivia for now I think.

That man has been out and about once more. He and Uncle Tache went to see Big Nana last weekend. I do worry about those birds of hers you know. The morning routine is that she puts out about a ton of food for them. On the day we were there she put out some breaded chicken and chips. The big Seagulls come in first and take what they want. They are then followed by the Crows, Magpies and the small garden birds. In about two minutes flat there is nothing left. Trouble did break out though over some bread. Uncle Tache likes his crusts. He particularly likes them toasted. There were two crusts left and that man asked him if he wanted them as part of his toast ration. Big Nana staged an intervention and told him that those were unavailable to him as they were for the birds. As he put it he literally now knows where he sits in the pecking order and it is not at the top! Still harmony was restored by a nice walk along Morecambe front and all was well once more.

As I have mentioned before I have a strong feeling that I need to put my Deerstalker on and become Clifford Holmes once more. The other day I was quietly sat (quite hungover I should add!) in the Eyrie catching up with my mates. This woman with a clipboard suddenly let herself in and took one look at us and started talking about wet rot and subsidence. I think that it was a bit much but manners are hard to find in this day and age you know. I am sure it all means something but I am not sure what that might be. If that man is behind it all I am sure that it won’t amount to much but you never quite know. I think he and I need to have a bit of a one to one to work things out at some point.

The bulbs are starting to show in the windowboxes now. I am sure that we will have a bumper crop. We are also working on our review of the year. There will be some red faces by the end of it all I can tell you. In the meantime we are expecting a bit of a pitch invasion on Saturday and then Christmas will have well and truly started. Hooray!

Early advent musings

Afternoon all. Imagine the scene. I am sat on the settee and the light is fading. It has been a bright and sunny afternoon and the leaves are falling off the trees. That man has lit the candles and we are currently huddled round them thinking philosophical thoughts. Dreaming of cabbages and kings. It is that kind of day I tell you. One for careful thought and reflection and thinking of the year gone by and the year ahead. Now I don’t want to spoil any surprises but I am already thinking of the recipients of our Cliffie awards for 2016. Worry not that man will not be receiving one by accident this time round. Still that is yet to come once all the “inducements” have arrived. You have got the message I hope. All bribes cheerfully received. Just saying!

We have got family film night to get through first of all though. This can be quite an ordeal you know as that man only really does family films. This is a bit much when you are in the mood for some Tarantino and you end up with Toy Story 3. I tell you that man shouldn’t be allowed to choose. There are only so many times that you can sympathetically hand over some tissues and say “there there” in a caring fashion. I have never seen the end of that particular film as I am fast asleep by that time. I am sure that they all live happily ever after with Andy at college. Uncle Tache is with me on the choice of films but he is not around to support me tonight. I have a feeling that we will be doing some big screen epic one way or another. Thinking about it Uncle Tache has never seen Toy Story 3. I don’t know how he has managed to avoid it so far but I reckon this Christmas he is going to have to join the club. Bad luck mate!

A short one this week I fear. If I get going on world events I won’t be able to stop myself and that isn’t going to help anyone at this point is it? All I will say is that it feels increasingly like the 1930s and not in a good way I can tell you. Still I don’t want to disappoint my loyal fan base so to summarise we like Michelle Obama and don’t like Donald Trump. We absolutely loath that toad Mr Putin and Bob the Sheep likes Barry the Crocus. There that is better and we are now all caught up. Speaking of Crocus there are signs of life in the windownboxes. It is going to be lovely in spring time when they come through but we might be on for a Hyacinth or two by Christmas time. What an exciting start of advent thought for us all to hold on to.

A firm no

Good morning from a wet and windy London. Storm Angus is doing his best to rain on my parade and I am doing my best to ignore him.

I have to address a very serious issue with you this week. It has come to my attention that a small but determined group of followers have started a pressure group to start a spin off blog for Bob the Sheep. I have to say that I was surprised that your weekly blast of pure Clifford was not enough but that is the modern world for you. I have given this a lot of thought and I am afraid that the answer has to be no. Quite frankly Bob the Sheep is a bit annoying once you get to know him well. He is a a vain attention seeking wannabe with a massive bell habit. Also he really doesn’t do very much apart from developing irrational dislikes and crowd pleasing rabble rousing speeches. Just think of him as Donald Trump and you get the idea.

Now last night I was sat watching the telly and the Waitrose Christmas ad came on. It featured a Robin flying through all sorts of adventures to go and nibble on a Waitrose mince pie. I tell you that Robin needs a better agent and danger money. All he needs to do is fly north to Big Nana’s gaff and he could be dining on steak and chips rather than on a crappy mince pie that would give him tummy ache anyway. A much better deal in my humble opinion. I am afraid that we have to give it the wings down. On the other hand we really like the trampolining Doggie in the John Lewis ad. I hope that you like me in my literary critic role.

Not much else is happening at the moment. I have a feeling that Uncle Tache and that man are up to something but you never know with those two. It isn’t going to be anything important so nothing to worry about one way or another I think. The rain is getting worse so time to hunker down with a good DVD and hope that the Waitrose Robin has seen sense and got an easier job for his next performance.

Fan club news

Good morning all. Welcome back to my little world.

Well what an exciting few weeks it has been. Yes you are right to be impressed a truly world changing event happened in early November. No not that silly man getting elected to something or other-I was allowed to go on a plane again. I was whisked off to Bergen to see my stalker. I just felt that after the meeting of the American chapter of my fan club it was only fair to give the Norwegian chapter a fair crack of the whip to meet me. Well it wasn’t quite the rip roaring success it could have been you know. As you will recall there are only 10 people in Norway and they all seemed to have a bad cold. Needless to say I offered some bracing advice (man up and get on with you best sums it up) but it didn’t seem to make a difference. Anyway I hope that my Stalker is feeling a bit better by now and thank you for a lovely trip. On the flight home that man bonded with the crew and he now thinks he has a lifetime supply of lemon biscuits to show for his efforts. What he doesn’t know is that I have had a bit of a nibble so there might be fewer of them than he realises. Talking of fan clubs I am reliably informed that I might have the beginnings of an Irish chapter opening up soon. A big Cliffie wing wave to all my fans in the emerald isle.

Yesterday was Lord Mayor’s Show day. A little group of followers came to see me and then went and stood out in the rain for a couple of hours watching the parade. I stayed in the dry with Uncle Tache and I reckon I got the better part of that particular deal. I was able to meet a very sweet Lioness who travels in her own velvet bag and my old mate Cecilia. Thanks for coming along and lovely to see you all.

Not much else to report for now I think. There is some nonsense going on over the Atlantic but I am rising above it all. All I will say is that you can’t get a Polish bricklayer around here for love nor money anymore. I wonder what that is all about?